Category: Personal

Time Stand Still, by Rush

I turn my back to the wind
To catch my breath,
Before I start off again.
Driven on
Without a moment to spend
To pass an evening
With a drink and a friend

I let my skin get too thin
I’d like to pause,
No matter what I pretend
Like some pilgrim —
Who learns to transcend —
Learns to live
As if each step was the end

Time stand still —
I’m not looking back —
But I want to look around me now
See more of the people
And the places that surround me now

Freeze this moment
A little bit longer
Make each sensation
A little bit stronger
Experience slips away…

I turn my face to the sun
Close my eyes,
Let my defences down —
All those wounds
That I can’t get unwound

I let my past go too fast
No time to pause —
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain,
Whose ship runs aground —
I can wait until the tide
Comes around

Make each impression
A little bit stronger
Freeze this motion
A little bit longer
The innocence slips away…

Summer’s going fast–
Nights growing colder
Children growing up —
old friends growing older
Experience slips away…

The innocence slips away…

Giving Up

For all of my adult life, I’ve been convinced that the right thing, the correct thing, the moral, ethical, or “good” thing would prevail on its own merits. I’ve been under the spell of the notion that the world was a just place, and if people could just be shown the right way to do things, they would accept them and want to do them in that way. I now realize this is a complete and utter delusion which has been foisted on me because of my personality and, if we’re being honest, a bit of neural atypicality.

I have often rued the days where I blundered through meetings at work, pointing out why certain decisions sucked, and how we could make things better, and in the process, making everyone mad. It took a couple of decades to even work out that I was, in effect, calling everyone stupid, and no matter how right I was, people got their backs up and worked against my ideas just out of spite over a wounded pride. I’ve seen it more times than I can count, and that’s not hyperbole.

What I’ve finally figured out is that the same thing has been happening in churches. Indeed, why should church have been any different? It’s filled with selfish, stupid people, just like everywhere else. Well, to be fair, we’re supposed to care more about “rightness” than the working world. But, no, when push comes to shove, people abandon correctness for feelings, and hide behind sentiment and platitude, because holding people to account is hard.

Maybe those other people already understand that holding out for the right thing is too much trouble, and therefore accept acquiescence more quickly and easily. Maybe they don’t want to get involved to save their sanity. Maybe. In Christian theology, there’s an infinite supply of forgiveness, so we must always be willing to forgive. There’s always an opportunity to take the high(er) road, because there’s always a higher road. Perhaps at the expense of sanity, but, sure, it’s always available. So at least in church circles, the fallback position not only saves time and sanity, it also makes you look “holier than thou.” Win-win!

Realizing that my own attitudes work against me in business, I’ve tried to reset and work WITH people in moving them towards more correct positions, but that hasn’t worked very well either, so I’m doubly screwed. Turns out most people aren’t even open to thinking that whatever it is they’re doing could be improved. After being in “leadership” of a church beset with spiritual abuse for 30 years, and suddenly being able to speak directly to a game-changing crisis, I skipped the pleasantries and went straight for the “correct” approach again when it mattered most, and lost again. And no one wants to hear it. No one cares. No one else is bothered. Everyone just wants to move on. Everyone just wanted to roll over. I guess they have that choice, but then they don’t get to complain to me when the barking dog they’ve turned their back on bites them in the rear again.

So I’m done. I’ve already removed myself from that situation, but now I’m also removing my concern about it. I can’t change anything. I never could. Turns out, I couldn’t even budge the needle. I’m sick of trying to point out ethics and morality to a bunch of people who shouldn’t need the lesson in the first place. I’m tired of trying to hold people accountable for things when no one else will. So they all get what they’ve accepted, and I don’t want to hear any more complaining about it. Ever. Congrats, everyone. You win. I’ll shut up now.

Pain

Pain is realizing this is true, not just for society, or the world, but for our personal lives as well: family, friends, church, hobbies… everything. Sure, growing up and growing older should involve maturation and changes in direction and perspective, but no one told me I would be betrayed by my own body and my closest friends and mentors.

I’ve had two personal, related “911’s” — events that shook me to my core and changed everything — that struck at the same time 4 years ago — and I’m still trying to figure out how to get through it all and get better. The medicines I take for my health problems keep me continually off-balance, and make it nearly impossible for me to marshal my inner fortitude to make the changes and do the work to address the long term issues.

It’s just… hard, man. Really hard. No one really understands, nor do I really want them to. I don’t want to put that on them. There’s nothing they can do about it. I’ve never been stoic. I’ve moaned and bellyached to everyone who would listen my whole life. This time, though, there doesn’t seem to be anything ANYONE can do about it, because there’s no one thing that’s wrong. If there’s a way out, it’s through a dozen small things done with a measure of discipline that I have never been able to muster, even at my best.

The outlook is bleak, and we’re on the precipice of a second civil war, and at the verge of the End Times.

Lies and their Debt

“Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.”

It’s a quote from the HBO miniseries about the Chernobyl disaster. You can see the truth of it at first glance, but the REAL problem here — in the disaster, and in personal life — is that the narcissistic, sociopathic, and avaricious (extremely greedy) people who tell the most, biggest, and longest-term lies are often NOT the ones who pay the debt.

Class Action Jokes

I’ve gotten emails about being in 3 class-action settlements against Verizon, Anthem, and Walgreens. I usually click through them and just see what happens. The Verizon one started distributions today. My take? $12.15. On a prepaid, digital-only card that the plan administrators probably are getting kickbacks for using. This stuff is all such a joke. There ought to be a law that says if the settlement won’t yield, like, at least THREE figures of money for people, the lawyers don’t get to file and make all their filthy lucre.

“Can Everyone See My Screen?”

“YES! EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR SCREEN. THAT’S LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS STUPID SOFTWARE.”

If you can ask if your screen can be seen, and you reasonably expect to be able to hear someone respond to that query, you should know without a shadow of a doubt that everyone can see your screen, which inevitably is showing some stupid PowerPoint slide that we call could have done without anyway.

So it turns out that there are, in fact, stupid questions.

When I’m president, I will make it illegal to ask, “Can everyone see my screen?” in online meetings.

I expect to be swept into office on a “purple wave” with no other policy positions.