Gamer’s Forecast

Kids, back in my day, we used to have something called “LAN parties.” This was a gathering wherein a bunch of guys would physically remove their computer from their home, bring it to another location, put it on an ad-hoc network, and play video games with and against the other people there. This took a lot of time to set up, and, once done, most people felt like getting their money’s worth for the investment of time and energy, so these sessions usually ran… long.

(Now that everyone has broadband and VOIP is common, LAN parties are basically extinct. The extra satisfaction of being able to be in the same room with someone you’ve just gibbed — over just laughing at them over the mic — just doesn’t quite justify the extra labor.)

Since this activity was nothing more than a “waste of time,” the investment of energy may or may not have run afoul of the scorn of one’s significant other. To gauge the potential “climate” before telling one’s SO of your intent to participate in a LAN party, one of my best friends undertook a post-doctorate research project and produced the “Gamer’s Forecast” formula:

Δ : Denotes the last time you took your spouse out to dinner (just you and her, no children, alone time counts). For those of you who are not married, why even bother forecasting? There are no legal ramifications for you to worry about!

Π : It seemed only fitting to include a numerical value of a circular constant to unlock the mystery of a beautiful creature that has a cycle.

Ω : The nearest value to the last or next scheduled appointment for the painter. “N” are the number of days. Is there any point in explaining why this is a necessary inclusion?

λ : Hours spent on the computer the last time while she was in the vicinity. Include LAN party time. After all, that was time you could have spent with her watching the Lifetime channel (where MEN are BAD).

Φ : The number of days you last played the game. (23 hours or less = 1)

This formula will yield a simple percentage chance of “rain in the region.” Unlike Mother Nature, however, the spousal atmospheric stability is much more fragile. A soft, meaningful kiss with a well-placed hand can clear the skies. Likewise, just opening your pie hole can BRING THE THUNDER!