Fisking

I spent 2 days trading emails debating doctrine with a friend. Obviously, these sorts of conversations are doomed to failure. I knew that up front, but I wanted to hear her side of the story in it’s complete form. Despite repeated requests, she never presented me with a complete scriptural basis of support for her point of view. Rather, she was only concerned about scriptures she claimed formed a basis against my point of view. (I guess she assumed that we only differed on one issue, but it always winds up being about the whole thing. These things always snowball.)

However, for the first time in my experience, it was a chance to debate with a someone who wouldn’t develop hard feelings about it. After the dust finally settled, and we agreed to disagree peacably, she included me in a mass emailing of one of those insipid “Christian” jokes. These things have always made me ill, but this time, of course, given the circumstances of how I received it, I found that I had had enough.

Many prominent right-wing bloggers have come on the scene. As opposed to the major media conglomerates, these folks post articles to their web sites about current events, political happenings, and the mass media themselves, with a conservative slant. Also as opposed to the mass media, they don’t try to hide their bias under a cloak of supposed neutrality or political correctness. In fact, some of the best pieces being written by these folks are ones in which they take the popular media to task for their annoying habit of reporting the left’s view on a topic while trying to deny their biases, claiming fact where only feeling exists.

This method of exposition is called “fisking,” in honor of Robert Fisk, a particularly good example of a liberal reporter who routinely writes on the basis of bad assumptions and overlooked facts. To very briefly summarise, he was in Afghanistan covering the war and got mugged by local thugs. Instead of feeling the outrage that most of us would have rightly felt, he took all the blame for his attack based on the fact that he was British and, therefore, somehow deserved it, I suppose by the very nature of being a Westerner. Further, he extended such platitudes to the entire “war on terror.”

So here I present a “fisking” of this Christian “joke,” and express a bit of frustration at the left-side of Christianity’s inability to recognize the Truth.

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1. For Spanish press 2. For all other languages, press 3.

Right, like all of Heaven isn’t omni-lingual? Eh, minor quibble.

Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for all others. I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

Here’s the part that really fries my bacon. After going along with the preposterous notion that we actually need to pick up a physical phone and “call” Heaven, I suppose this isn’t a bad analogy. However, analogies are supposed to be rooted in reality, and there’s nothing even remotely realistic about trying to reach the throne of God and GETTING A BUSY SIGNAL! One of the best things about Gid is that His line is always open. He hears you even when you say things you will regret, so there’s no issue of reaching Him when you need Him.

If you would like to speak to: God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. Holy spirit, press 3.

Here’s the other part that infuriates me. Modern Christendom is so completely backwards on this issue that most people don’t even know that there’s a difference of opinion on the subject. Why, just the other day, I had a person tell me that there were instances in the book of Acts where the Apostles baptised in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. That’s simply not true. I mean, it either is, or it isn’t, and it isn’t. Every time that actual baptism is recorded there, it’s done in the name of Jesus. When I told him that, he didn’t believe me. I simply told him to look it up. I’m sure he didn’t; I’m sure he just thinks I’m nuts. It’s a perfect example of how confused most Christians are, even of their own doctrines and the scriptures themselves. They seem to have left all the critical thinking to their clergy. What then makes them any different from the Catholics? (He probably thought the discrepancy between his opinion and the scriptures to be the fault of the King James Version, which he felt inferior to the New International Version. Well, in my opinion, the NIV takes some liberties with the interpretation, but it doesn’t mutate such basic doctrines as baptism. In fact, I proved the doctrine of the baptism of the Holy Spirit to myself using an NIV Study Bible.)

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.)

Suuuure… What about the poor souls that weren’t from the United States, and therefore didn’t have a social security number? And what’s up with 666 being the area code for Hell? The number 666 is a another representation of the name of the person who becomes the antichrist. It’s the mark of the “beast” — the reformed Roman empire — which he will lead. It’s not the “mark of the devil” or even the “mark of Hell”. Again, total biblical confusion on the part of the person who made up this tripe.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3 and 16.

Ah yes. The only thing you need to do to get to Heaven when you die is “believeth on Him.” Exactly what that means or entails, I still have yet to understand. I spent about 10 years trying to talk myself into having faith that I was saved, and I still wasn’t convinced. What’s especially aggravating about this thinking is that this verse follows directly after one of the main portions of scripture relating to the “new birth experience” in detail. In John 3:1-8, Jesus is telling Nicodemus in a non-personal way (i.e. this is meant for everyone for all time) that he must be baptised with both water and the Spirit in order to be born again. Yet, modern Christians skip over this and take their entire doctrine from verse 16. What’s wrong with the first 8 verses?

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

For once, I’m in total agreement. Arguments about these subjects are doomed to failure. There are no definitive answers, nor will there be until after the trumpet sounds. And, by the way, if you don’t understand how close we are to “that day,” you really ought to get up to speed.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Oh yes, of course. Heaven closes for “religious holidays.” There are so many things wrong with this, I really don’t know where to start. I’ve already covered how ridiculous a notion it is that you can’t reach God when you need him, but shutting down for a holiday? That takes this “joke” to a whole new level. See, this is “funny” to some people because they can’t see how it applies so many human qualities to God. They don’t see it, because their doctrines limit God. When you don’t understand that God is omni-present, then you don’t have a problem with this sort of joking. When you understand that God is not only omni-present, but omniscient and omnipotent, then things like this rub you the wrong way. It’s a function of your paradigm, and it’s revealed by what you think is a joke.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

This is yet another place I could jump on the God-is-open-24×7 thing, but there’s actually a glimmer of truth here. Pastors have been given to the Church for the “perfecting of the saints”. (Eph 4:11,12) As such, it’s foolish not to take advantage of their assistance along with prayer, Bible study, fasting, worship, and fellowship in our journey toward Heaven. My pastor happens to be about the wisest person on the planet, so this is especially beneficial for me. People who don’t belong to a church and put themselves under the authority of an anointed pastor are needlessly ignoring one of the best tools God has given us to help defend against the wiles of the enemy.

I know, I know. Yes, yes, it’s a joke. I get it. But, yet, it’s not.